The Final Goodbye To No.8

“You can’t tell someone to go and then blame them for leaving.”

“Dear Love,

We were toxic. Our love, was toxic.

It was unhealthy and destructive, it ripped us apart from inside. Maybe it wasn’t love after all, love isn’t supposed to destroy you.

I wasn’t able to pull the trigger myself. I kept holding on. I wish I could have but I wasn’t strong enough. I don’t know if you realised that very fact and made the decision for us, but I’m glad this one time you did the right thing. Not in a nice and good way, but you did.

You let me go.

We hadn’t been good for a while but we kept trying, kept holding on, kept tearing each other apart. We didn’t realise that we weren’t good for each other. I won’t ever forget about you or how I felt about you. I know this sounds horrible but I feel relieved. Feel lighter. Feel free.

Our love drowned me.

I wasn’t myself anymore and I would have done absolutely anything for you. I get now that this isn’t a healthy relationship if it isn’t reciprocated. A relationship is about giving and taking, but you never gave much back. You only ever took parts of me. Used the parts you needed and left the others behind, longing, waiting to be needed, wanted the next time.

Nevertheless, I am not entirely happy with how things ended. Not like all the past times where it ended on a good note, this time it ended with not much explaining and even fewer words.

Nothing feels resolved. No closure.

I knew it was over before you said the words but I didn’t want to let you go without hearing your voice one last time. But you wouldn’t talk to me and made it look as if I was pinning all the fault on you. I wasn’t trying to, I knew it was us both.

People make mistakes.

In the end, you did what you always do when it gets too much, when it comes to feelings, you run. You push the people away who care about you. You think it’s for the best. You pushed me away even though you care about me. But I am at a point where I can’t take it anymore and also don’t want to take it anymore.

I’m sick of worrying about you and overthinking our – whatever we were. I can’t carry that weight anymore. I need to live my life the way I want to, without thinking about what you might think about it.

No matter how much I miss you. 

I’m not trying to make this all about me, I know you’re hurt too. You just wouldn’t admit it. We both need to get used to living without each other. So live your life, have a fabulous summer. Fuck around, be a lad. Take the time to figure out what you want and why you are such a mess.

As much as I wanted to be the one for you, the one who solves all your problems, I can’t be that person any longer. You need to fix yourself before you let someone else become collateral damage again.

We need to move on.

Take care,
The girl you weren’t ready for.”