When I thought there was still hope, there already wasn’t…
I didn’t cheat on you, I would have never done that to you. The only reason I didn’t tell him about you is that I didn’t know what you and I were. As far as I knew we broke up weeks before I left.
We never said we were back together, even though we spent the night of the summer ball together. It was a nice goodbye, you relaxed and let go of your worries. You fell asleep on my tummy while I stroke your soft, short, ginger hair. You looked so peaceful when you lay there and let me hold you.
Those were my favourite moments.
If we had decided to try and make it work, to stay together, I would have mentioned you right in the beginning! I can’t deny that I enjoyed spending time with him and liked talking to him, we do have a lot in common. He made me feel comfortable in a world I felt so out of place in.
I admit, it confused me. Still does.
However, I never hid him from you, never lied about it; I told you about him on the day I first met him! I played with open cards from the start. One word from you, one simple sentence, “Please, don’t move on, not just yet!” Anything like that and I would have told him about you right there and then. No matter if he was interested in me or not, I would have cleared up the air by dropping your name.
But you didn’t.
You kept saying that I should find myself a nice French boyfriend. How do you think that made me feel when I clearly still had feelings for you? You told me that I need to forget about you, although that was the last thing that I wanted to do.
Each time we spoke, there were those little moments at the end of our video calls when we didn’t say anything. We just looked.
Waited. Stayed still.
That moment when other couples would say “I love you,” we said nothing. In those moments, the air around me felt heavy.
The words were screaming, shouting, echoing in my head but I was afraid, too afraid to lose you! Afraid just as much as you were but for different reasons. I had never felt like that before.
I don’t know anymore if that is really how I felt.
We dealt with our fears very differently, I wanted you closer and you, you shut me out, like you always do. You wouldn’t even talk to me. I guess you thought that was the easier way out. I wish you would have shouted at me, screamed at me, yelled at me. I wouldn’t have cared, I just needed you to show me that you cared, that you were hurt and that you were scared too!
All there was, was silence.